New Year, New Me....or whatever.

            For anyone that has paid attention to my Facebook at any point ever, I have started and delete this very blog a bajillion times. (Yes a bajillion! It’s a real number and a real word even if spell check says it is not!) I start my first post usually asking what people want out of my blog, when in reality no one wants to follow my blog. They read the first few posts out for kindness or curiosity, but generally they get enough snooping on my life from my other social media outlets they have me on. I write a few posts and then a big gap of time goes by where I don’t write anything, but I really want to start my blog back up so I delete the past and start fresh exactly where I was before.

            The reality is that this blog should be for me. The question I should be asking is what do I want out of my blog. My “quarter life crisis,” as I’ve affectionately been calling it when in reality it’s probably some undiagnosed mental condition, has had me thinking the past few years about who I am. I, like most people, spent my teenage years presenting a reality of self that pleased others. No I wasn’t the most popular kid, I was actually pretty freaking weird, but my other weirdo friends liked that. I seemed brave, free, energetic, and fearless. But that is bullshit. I was just as scared as everyone else about my outer appearance and how I would be judged. I happened to have probably an easier path as “that loud gay guy” where the unexpected was expected of me.

            I managed to graduate high school with piles of credit card debt because that’s what happens when you turn 18 your junior year and have little parental supervision to make sure you are making smart choices as an “adult.” With little interest in school, and no foreseeable way out of debt, I took the first job that sounded like I was a real adult who would have real money coming in. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved my job at the time. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Managing a restaurant has given me a lot of valuable life skills that has easily helped me in future work endeavors. But after a while I realized I needed to get away from where I was and that job was never going to do it for me.

            Flash forward to joining the Reserves. (This is my opportunity to use a big fancy sociology term to show I am a good student.) A lived a lifestyle of total institution, (that’s my big smart term), where I am told where to go, when to go there, what to wear, and how to act. Anyone who knows me knows this has also been an amazing life changing experience for me. I absolutely love my Army life (even when I hated it), the opportunities, experience, and relationships afforded to me cannot beat anything else in the world. But this too stifled a little piece of my self-discovery.

            Continuing my life I found a little more freedom with moving out of my parents, started to gain some control of my financial situations, and began to get to a place where I could start asking who I am. And that’s where I stand now.

            The past few years have been a little crazy, leaving multiple jobs, getting married, traveling, employments, kids, new jobs, new schools, expanding my mind beyond ways I have thought I could, and starting to really analyze what reality of self I want.

            I can’t write about all this without thanking my husband, Silver, for standing by me. Lord knows I am not easy to deal with in the first place, but when you throw in changing my mind on who I am and what I want to be when I grow up every single day, you have got to give the guy some credit.

            I am getting to a point where I am researching grad schools, and just like I had a million different majors, I have at least 6 different ideas of what I want to study next. At the same time I start to look for careers that might interest me and fit where I want to see myself in the next few years. (If anyone has suggestions on grad school program or big gender neutral term jobs please tell me!)

            I guess all of this rant has come from the time of year. Most people start thinking of how they want to change in the next year. What goals they set for themselves. I hope to stoke my creativity in the next year and I’m looking at all of you who have read this far to keep me on track. I easily put the hobbies aside that I love because Netflix is so much easier to do after homework, cleaning and taking care of toddlers, but as tired as I get I need to continue to do something for me.

1)   I want to read more often and not just textbooks. (Update from the previous blog, I have finished two of the books and two audible books, but I have also bought three more books. I know I’m ridiculous.)

2)   I want to write more. Even if I flop and forget about this blog again, I want to continue writing. I want to write my book of essays one day. I want to get my poetry out and maybe even perform. I want the stories that I have to be shared for the people who might need it.

3)   I want to continue my creative endeavors of dancing. I love to dance (even if I’m not the best). And even though I am not taking a dance class this semester, I hope to continue to express myself in dance and find opportunities to share that.

4)   I want to paint! I did my first painting ever for a class this past semesters and I love it. I have blank canvas and paint just waiting for me and I need to cover the world with images from my head.

5)   Pray more. I think it’s established that my connection with the Earth is at an all time peak right now, but it’s hectic. I need to center myself through prayer and meditation. I need to rebuild my altar, and go back to a peaceful mind to bring everything back together.

            I thank you for taking the time to read my rant if anyone is even left reading this far. And I hope that you help me follow my passions in the next year. So what about you? What are your passions? What are you missing from your life right now? How can I help you accomplish your goals?

            I’ll end with a quote from scripture that I think perfectly describes the unknown of the New Year and how exciting that can be.

Matthew 7:7

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find;

knock and it will be opened to you. (MEV)

Peace and Love,

Ross

P.S. If there is a spelling mistake, don’t be a dick, tell me it kindly so I don’t look completely stupid. K, thnx, bye!

The Issue with Reading is.....

            I have this crazy habit of buying books I am interested in reading. My habit of buying books is only intensified by books 30% off at Target, where no normal person goes in only to end up buying what is on their list. The problem with this habit is that I don’t have the habit of actually reading them, and the issue is never that I don’t have enough time to read them. I may be busy with two small boys, a home to keep, a part time job, a very part time roll in the reserves, and technically a fulltime school load; but I still find myself sitting more often than I should, so I don’t make a reading a priority. I make Netflix a priority. I make Hulu a priority. I make Comcast On-Demand and going to Target for funsies a priority.

            Sitting next to me is a stack of books that I want to read and a good chunk of them that I’m actually a few chapter in, yet all these books were neatly place on the bookshelf in my room at some point. When I decided to write about this I pulled all the books that still needed to be read, and was pleasantly surprised that there were a significant amount of books having been read still on the bookshelf.

            My goal, during this long winter break from school, is to get through at least three of these books. While I see that leisurely reading as no need to rush, I also see that I need to prioritize my time to include reading into my daily life. I once heard a statistic that if you say your goals out loud, you are some crazy high percent less likely to accomplish said goal, so this post is really just to ensure a solid excuse for not completing my goal during this winter break.

Here is my list of books still yet to be read, more or less in order of when I will read them. Let me know if you’ve read one and what you thought!

• -       Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (Mindy Kaling)
• -       Almost Christian: What the Faith of Our Teenagers is Telling the American Church (Kenda Creasy Dean)
• -       Glorify: Reclaiming the Heart of Progressive Christianity (Emily C. Heath)
• -       Room To Grow (Martin B. Copenhaver)
• -       Farewell to Manzanar (Jeanne Wakatsuki Houston & James D. Houston)
• -       The A to Z of You and Me (James Hannah)
• -       Brooklyn (Colm Toibin)
• -       Boston Jane: An Adventure (Jennifer L. Holm)
• -       Weird Church: Welcome to the Twenty-First Century (Beth Ann Estock & Paul Nixon)
• -       Straights: Heterosexuality in Post-Closeted Culture (James Joseph Dean)

Now I realize that one of these books was supposed to be read in middle school or high school, but I never did what was expected of me…and I still don’t for that matter. I have also read one of these books already in middle school, but I absolutely loved the writing and wanted to re-read it however many years later.

And just for funsies I have three books waiting on my Audible app, which I never have a problem getting around to because I drive so often.

• -       Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)
• -       Requiem (Lauren Oliver)
• -       One Man Guy (Michael Barakiva)

A prayer of Thanksgiving. (Stolen from my own Facebook post)

I spent the day reflecting on many thoughts I have had this past year and especially the last two months. I would like to share my prayer of thanks with all of you as I continue to reflect on the world. May you find peace and love in your everyday lives.

A Prayer of Thanksgiving:

Creator, I thank you for the journeys that you give me. I thank you for my loving, large, and diverse family near and far. I thank you for the opportunity to change two lives in positive ways no matter how long that may be for. I thank you for the love and strength of a partner, even when we don’t see eye to eye. I thank you for the calling to do your work and spread your message of peace and love.

I thank you for the people of the world with tolerance and love. I thank you for all people no matter what gods/goddesses they worship or if they worship at all. I thank you for the constant opportunity to question myself. Thank you for the trouble of being a part of existence. 

I pray that you hold us all in your heart, encourage healing, and above all love for everyone.

Amen.